Why I’ve Started Breaking the Parenting Rules

As a mom with ADHD who frequently clings to rules and structure to avoid feeling out of control, I’ve recently begun practicing the art of breaking the parenting rules.

By “parenting rules,” I mean the do’s and don’ts of Good Parenting evangelized by experts, fellow caregivers, and mom-fluencers.

Most modern parenting rules revolve around the parent’s presence and emotional regulation. In general, I think that’s beautiful.

Our parents were encouraged to ignore our tantrums so we didn’t use “bad behavior” to get attention. Today, we are instructed to sit with our kids during their tantrums, so they can witness our emotional self-regulation skills and trust that they are lovable even when experiencing big feelings.

I had Very Big Feelings as a kid. I still do. It would have been a profound comfort to trust that, no matter how intense the meltdown, my mom and dad could stay above the emotional fray and see what was really going on: a good kid was having a hard time.

And yet. There are times when being present and emotionally regulated is exhausting—especially for a parent with ADHD with her own challenges staying calm and collected.

So I’ve decided to stop. Stop following all the rules, all the time. It’s helping me feel a little calmer, so I thought I’d pass along what’s working in case it helps you, too.

Here are three rules I’ve begun giving myself the grace to break:

Rule 1: Minimize screen time.

I really struggle with overstimulation in the mornings, before I’ve had a chance to eat breakfast, drink my tea, and check my email. Monday through Friday, the promise of “me time” after childcare kicks in is enough to keep me calm. But on weekends, the prospect of 12+ hours of childcare can exacerbate my overstimulation.

I’ve begun giving myself the grace to turn on the TV for Saturday and Sunday morning cartoons. The kids each get to choose two shows, and I have 45 minutes to settle into the day.

I know that watching TV isn’t the optimal way for a kid to spend their time. But neither is “playing” with a parent who is emotionally depleted. This is a solution that works, for now. It’s not forever—and the sky isn’t falling in the meantime.

Rule 2: No distractions while eating.

One of our kids is very selective with what she eats. We’ve been working with a pediatric dietitian to figure out a path forward, and she recently suggested breaking a cardinal mealtime rule: no distractions at the dinner table.

Instead, the dietician recommended we proactively give our daughter a distraction during mealtimes.

This made total sense to me, because it fit a pattern of behavior I’d already witnessed with my daughter. She is often willing to eat a wider variety of foods, and a greater quantity of those foods, when she is distracted.

It has something to do with sensory sensitivity. When our kid is solely focused on the food, all the textures and flavors and smells can be totally overwhelming. But when her attention is drawn elsewhere—like, to a book her dad is reading her—her senses are preoccupied, and she isn’t (as) averse to the food on her plate.

Turns out we’re not the only people who’ve broken this rule and found success. I’m not a doctor, and I absolutely am not recommending this particular approach to everyone. But sometimes, rules that work for the masses need to be bent or broken in specific cases.

Rule 3: Stay cool, calm, and collected.

I generally try to follow the advice of staying calm when my kids are melting down. As psychologist Dr. Becky analogizes, you wouldn’t want your pilot freaking out over some turbulence. As parents, we’re the sturdy pilots in our homes, helping our kids weather emotional storms with a combination of validation and reassurance.

Still. There are times when I feel like melting down. Maybe there’s a ton of sensory input coming at me, or maybe I’m grappling with rejection sensitive dysphoria, a common challenge for people with ADHD.

The other day, I made an off-hand comment in the car to my husband about how I cry more than the average person. My daughter, ever-listening, piped up. “No, you don’t,” she stated matter-of-factly. “You never cry.”

I was taken aback. Crying is a near-daily part of my existence, even if it’s just a few tears in response to a line in a book. I realized in that moment that, despite being a highly emotional creature—something I love about myself!—I wasn’t revealing the depth and breadth of my feelings to my daughter. How could I expect her to love and respect her own emotions if I was, in effect, hiding mine from her?

And so, I’ve begun giving myself the grace to show my emotionality to my kids. Sometimes, I even do it when the kids are contributing to my emotionality. The trick is that I never blame them for my tears. Instead, I allow myself to get mad or sad or tearful—and then I engage in an intentional process of self-regulation.

That might look like this:

Kids are whining and fighting over a toy, and I feel like my head is going to explode.

Me, overwhelmed and frustrated: “Ahh! This is way too much for me! It’s too loud! I can’t take it!”

The tears start to flow. My kids stop and look at me.

Me: “OK. This is clearly too much for me right now. I’m going to leave the room and take some deep breaths. Then I’ll come back.”

After a few minutes, I come back and recap what happened.

Me: “Man, that was too much intensity and noise for me. You guys didn’t do anything wrong—I am just really sensitive to sounds and have to take breaks sometimes.”

I like this approach so much more than forcing myself (usually unsuccessfully) to present a calm exterior. I like showing my kids that I’m a human who struggles with the same things they do. We’re all doing the best we can.

Conclusion

Striving for parenting perfection is a fool’s errand for all of us. But it’s especially hard for neurodivergent parents who have spent their lives trying to Get It Right—playing by other people’s rules in pursuit of being accepted as “normal.”

The more I grant myself permission to do what feels right for me and my family, rules be damned, the more I settle into a parenting approach that feels right to me.

If you’re reading this, I hope you allow yourself some flexibility in your parenting today. ❤