ADHDers, Maybe We Can Embrace Our Conflicting Thoughts
I don’t know who needs to hear this today — maybe it’s me? — but those conflicting voices inside you are all part of you. It’s OK to embrace them all.
For me, one of the hardest things about being an ADHDer is never fully trusting my own mind.
- I unexpectedly developed a deep enthusiasm for painting? Maybe I’ve discovered a lifelong passion — or maybe it’s just a fleeting hyper-focus.
- I lost all interest in my work? Maybe it’s time for a new job — or perhaps I am experiencing a more generalized burnout that, with better self-care, will pass.
- I fought with my partner and was overcome with the sense that, even if he professes to still love me, he doesn’t really like me? It could be true — or it could be my rejection sensitivity dysphoria rearing its head.
In these situations, I can find myself trying to identify the One True Answer. As I stockpile evidence in support of one conclusion versus another, my One True Answer flips back and forth.
Me: “You are obsessed with painting. It’s all you want to do. You go to the studio after the kids are asleep! Clearly, this is the definition of a passion.”
Also me: “Correction: you WERE obsessed. But after a few months of painting, you are actually having to drag yourself into the studio now. So painting was just a hyper-focus, and you’re over it now.”
Also also me: “But you still have that little spark inside that craves painting! Once you get started in the studio, you have a hard time stopping. Yes, you may have overdone it for a few months, but the passion is still there.”
Also also also me: “But think of how much money you’re wasting on a studio space you hardly use anymore. If this were a true passion, you wouldn’t have to push yourself to show up. Hyper-focus, hyper-focus, hyper-focus!”
These two voices can battle endlessly. And THAT, I’m realizing, is the thing to notice.
When I have an internal argument that persists day after day, with each side refusing to fully back down, that’s a sign that both voices have something true and important to say. They both have valid perspectives, just as they are both missing part of the picture.
Here’s what I’m coming to understand: when I feel internally divided, my task isn’t to choose which side is right. My task is to integrate the conflicting parts — to say to each of them, “Yes! What you’re saying makes sense! AND, this other voice is valid, too.”
It’s easy to write here but harder to do in real life. Why? Because when I give myself permission to be internally conflicted, I don’t stop the conflict. I keep existing in it. And conflict is uncomfortable. It can feel way better, in the moment, to try to reach a conclusion.
(And — side note: in a society that demonizes neurodivergence, it’s very easy for me to err on the side of conclusions that stigmatize my ADHD traits. I end up quietly berating myself for “mistakenly” believing I’d discovered a new passion, or wanting to leave my job, or feeling my partner dislikes me. I call this the “silly you” voice, as in, “Silly you — you thought you knew what you wanted/felt/believed, but that was just your weird ADHD brain at work.”)
What’s harder is making space for all those voices to coexist. They’re like rival siblings, duking it out in my brain. And my job is to be the parent in the room: “Ah, yes, I hear both of you. It sounds like you both have important things to share. Let’s find a way for both of your voices to be heard, for both of them to hold some space here.”
My job, in short, is to recognize that “real me” is the aggregation of all my distinct internal perspectives, which are often in a state of tug-of-war. That’s just the nature of having a somewhat chaotic brain. (There are beautiful parts, too — but this is one of the tougher ones, at least for me.) The more I can make peace with that chaos, the more I can reach an overarching sense of calm—a feeling that, even as the conflict occurs, I am okay.
Is this something other ADHD folks struggle with? How do you settle yourself when your mind feels in conflict with itself? Let me know in the comments.
